Too Much Christmas

The past few days of Christmas have been, well, eventful. We are on Christmas number 4 in three days, and we have one more to go! There is a direct correlation with the conduct of Christmas activities and the number of spankings that must be administered in order to maintain un-zoo like behavior! Example: This morning, out of the blue, Fletch just shoves Melson to the floor. Just because she can. "Flecth, why did you shove your brother down?" "Um, I...." tap dance, tap dance, tap dance ".....Mely was trying to leave the den, so I put my hand out to stop him, and...." SJ interjects with all the attitude of a 13 year old "Uh, no one told him to stay here!" "So, Fletch, you just shoved him down just to do it?" "Yeah" "OK, you know what you have coming" This time, she didn't even complain about it. She new she fucked up, hands down, done. Caught. Red handed. She took her lumps and moved out. Good girl. And, she behaved the rest of the day.

On the way from Opelika to Birmingham yesterday, both girls were acting like straight jackasses, all the way in the back of the van. After like, 50 warnings of physical action they continue. I told Trish, "Take down the tray to clear the Ass Beating Aisle!" (I kick it real in a Honda Odyssey, it has a fold down tray between the front seats. ) As Trish began clearing off the tray, our two rocket scientists in the back noticed all this motion going on and Mommy's uncontrollable laughter as I talk under my breath about how I'm going to break somebody down like a shotgun in a minute. They figure that ass beatings are imminent and immediately cease all activities and become the most quiet and model children ever. It saved them much physical pain and mental trauma. Smart girls.

Yesterday during lunch at my parents house, the girls start playing under the lunch table. This is an absolute no no. Of course there are grandparents and great grandparents present, so a little grace is given. Instead of the instant spanking, they get the "What are you thinking? What in the world makes you think you can crawl under the table?" To which my 87 year old grandmother, who would have hung me by my toes and skinned me alive for the same offense 30 years ago, replies jumping up and down in here seat "I know the answer, I know the answer! It's Christmas!!!" So, how do you not piss yourself laughing at her response and still scare the shit out of your kids? Professionalism. Years of police work and being in the Army. Everyone else at the table besides the girls, not so much. Even my beloved wife and partner in kid herding busted out laughing and spit out her soup on the table. Sometimes, I should just stay in bed.
However, I would not trade this insanity for anything else. I truly hate having to spank, but after the 50 warnings, you got to deliver.

Santa's Short Final And A Hot LZ

Last night after our return from the Christmas Eve service, we began our countdown sequence for Christmas Eve. We had already baked "Santa's" peanut butter cookies, with peanuts inside, so we headed into the dinner sequence and the feeding of the Reindeer. As I walked outside on the back porch to get more firewood I heard a deer run off. Perfect! Just before taking the kids out to put out the food, I let Jasmine out of the front door to do her doggie thing and what was standing there that did not run off? You got it, a deer. More perfect. So we are feeding the Reindeer and all is right with the Christmas world. Shortly after supper the kids went out onto the porch to see if they could spot the "red light in the sky". After they gave up, I stayed out just an extra minute and let out a "HO, HO, HO" under my breath. This stopped SJ in her tracks as she exclaimed "What was that? That was Daddy! WAIT! That was real quiet, if it was Daddy it would have been loud, THAT WAS SANTA!!!!!!" She then ran out to the porch to see what was up. I stood there for just a second, pointed to the sky and exclaimed "Oh no!!!!! What is that up in the sky, I think it's Santa!!!" The kids did not even look! They just let out the biggest "OH SHIT" scream and ran to their room and jumped in the bed! They would not stay up long enough to set out the cookies, milk, or do any of the other pre-bedtime stuff! I thought they were going to kill each other getting up the steps! SJ was shouting commands to Melson, "Hurry up, you! You are going to make Santa pass us up! Get in your bed, now!" Of course Mely has no clue why he is running his ass off, it's just loud and fun so he does it. Fletch had to stop three time to figure our what was going on and why she was running, but she had just as much fun screaming so she didn't care that she kept forgetting. I laughed for 30 minutes at the scene that has taken about 30 seconds to unfold. The last time I saw a crowd disperse like that was when I would roll up on a bunch of ghetto boys on a corner at 0100. Poof, gone. It was an effective way to clear the runway for Santa's final approach.

After Santa thought all of the kids were asleep, he began setting out presents. Then he hears two little girls laughing an carrying on as he is finishing up. So......he jingles his sleigh bells a few times and lets out a "HO, HO, HO" after eating his cookies and before making his exit. The following sound was the "Oh Shit" silence followed by the whisper yell "Get in the bed!!!" with scampering of little girl feet and the WUMP, WUMP of two little girls jumping into their beds! Of course this morning the first thing we heard was "I heard Santa! He jingled his bells and then said HO, HO, HO!!!!" Even thought Santa hit a hot LZ, he came out OK and Christmas is still intact. It was awesome.

The opening of the presents was a complete other affair that will have to wait until another blog. I'm still in shock from the event and am quite certain that I will have some form of PTSD from it!

Baby Got Back And A White Boy Got Ta Shout!

So, there I was. At the battalion formal last weekend when the dancing started. I decided it would be a good idea to go dance with Mrs. Tanisha Gary. Yeah, you read it right. Black girl, white guy. What the hell was I thinking? It was a "slow" dance and I could not keep up! Bump bump swish, bump bump swish. And I was just doing the white boy side to side shit. I was so at the prom and she was all soul train and shit. Being able to move like that, no wonder she has five kids! I'm an idiot, again. Will I ever learn? Probably not.

Moved in

We finally got mostly moved in! We even had company over last night! The tree is back up, the fire is lit (and it's real a real wood fireplace), steaks on the grill, cold beer in the fridge, and margaritas chillin' in the pitcher! Somebody give me an Old Milwaukee cause it doesn't get any better than this!

No more mold! We are so excited just to be out from under the mold factor that we could have moved into a GP medium tent and been better off! As is just so happens we are now in a house that is far above what Trish and I ever expected to live in until we retire! We are very happy here, and the children went completely ape when they saw the house today!

Since the children are now back home, I am sure that I will have plenty of great stories! Now that there are neighbors with children their age, the stories will now multiply!

Ranger Creed

Just thought I would post this for posterity.


Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor, and high esprit de corps of my Ranger Regiment.

Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea, or air, I accept the fact that as a Ranger my country expects me to move farther, faster and fight harder than any other soldier.

Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.

Gallantly will I show the world that I am a specially selected and well-trained soldier. My courtesy to superior officers, neatness of dress and care of equipment shall set the example for others to follow.

Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.

Rangers Lead The Way!

No Kids, Lots of Cookie Dough!`

Trish and I have our battalion formal tomorrow night, so my children are with my sister in Birmingham. YES!!!!!!!!!! Trish over counted and bought about 4 extra packs of cookie dough! Forget the sex in whatever part of the house we want, just give me some fresh cookies and uninterrupted sleep!!!!!!! Yeah baby!

The Mold Factor, and Command

Well, we have discovered a pretty serious mold problem in our house! Not good. Trish has also found out from the allergist that she is pretty damn allergic to mold. She is now she is on two separate inhalers and other drugs. So is Mely. Great.So....... we get to move again for Christmas!

At least God has taken care of us so far and has made finding a new place very easy. The new house is just as nice as this one, if not nicer and is much cheaper! Needless to say, our lives have been topsy turvy lately. I have been either in the woods with Ranger, jumping out of some kind of aircraft, or doing something that has kept me from being at home. I am ready for Christmas leave, even if it means moving!

I recently received my "report card" on my performance. It was pretty good I guess, at least I am not getting fired. My boss told me to expect to take command of the company I am in after the first of the year! OK, totally unexpected! I think it's mostly because I am the only one available. Pretty easy choice I reckon.

The usual kid drama has been going on, but I have not recorded it since I have been gone so much. I will have to fish out some funny stories for later I guess. I am sure with Christmas coming up, there will be plenty!

Recently my buddy Matt came to visit after his return from Iraq last month. He gave some quotes from me that made him laugh. In reference to my critique of Ranger's placement of his machine guns during an ambush that occurred around 2330 or so:
"Rangers, who can tell me the maximum effective range of an M240B?"

Crickets and dumbassed tired Ranger stares in return.

"Let me break it down for you middle of the night Ranger dumb; a long god damn way!"

For some reason this made Matt laugh out loud. Apparently I am full of motivational quotes and life altering advice as I have earned the nickname "Dr. Phil" from some of the men. Great. I hope I get to keep the hair though.

Airbor-OUCH!!!!!

It has been quite a while since my last post, but it has still been adventerous around here. Back in November during our jump, I had a bout with the wind and the ground; I lost! Judging from the point of impact, I nearly suffered extreme brain damage. I must have to some degree because for some dumb ass reason, I jumped again a week later. Idiot. Luckily, that one turned out much better.

This was taken a little less than a week later. It grew to about half again that size. Ouch!! It's still fun though!