Swirling

Ever feel like you are spinning out of control? Spiraling downwards. No hand rails, no safety net, just down you go. Have you ever felt like you are in an empty black room that just echoes? No doors or windows, just maybe some cracks to let enough light in to see just a little bit. Do those walls seems to creep in little by little? All of a sudden does the landscape change to a large open area, like a dessert, where you are the only person? Nothing. No wind, not real hot, not cold. Just there. The only way to get anywhere is to walk, but which way do you go? Which way did you come from? There are no terrain features to navigate to or from. Just desert. No water, no help.

Does the sight of the people you love make you sick? Physically sick? Do they make you feel cornered? Ganged up on? Are you the bad guy, all the time? Do you distrust those that should be there to help? Who is on my team? Who is very much opposed to my team? Who is neither for nor against and how do they differ from opposed?






Why is help so hard to get? Why do I have to jump through hoops? Why are there strict rules for where you can get help only for certain things?






Can one get help to fix these things? Why is it when one needs to see fronts, all they see are turned backs?

END THE LONELINESS AND PAIN. 

Piss and Vinegar

One of my favorite movie quotes is from No Country For Old Men. It is at the scene where a car is on fire, the Sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones) describes how he sees the entire crime scene from start to finish, just by looking at the car...and he is 100% right. His young deputy tells him "Well, that's very linear Sheriff." His simple reply "Time has a way of flattening a man." Yes, yes it does.

I know what the Sheriff was feeling....he knew what had happened and he also understood the implications of what was to come. Being at the end of his career, after more than 30 years on the job, he was tired. No need for needless conversation or to contemplate stuff that just didn't happen. Focus on what lies ahead.

What are the impacts of living such a life? For me, not good. It has gotten pretty flat around my house. The wife and I live in separate parts of the house and speak only out of necessity really. Not sure how much longer she will hang around, and honestly, I can't really blame her for leaving. It is a mother fucker of a thing to live with.

Word to all those that have served through the thick of things a few years back and have held it together. Double word to those that have not so able to hold it together. Keep after it, don't quit, we need you. Hell, I need you....because I want to quit....and if you quit, I can't quit, because I'll have to carry your rucksack, and that is some bullshit!

It all sort of takes the piss and vinegar out of a man after a while.

Peace

Uh, So.......

Well, it have been forever since I have posted anything. I'm probably not going to tell anyone that I have even started posting again. Don't know why though.

So. I live out in the country now.....BACK IN THE SOUTHEAST BABY! I miss the PACNW, but not the cold gray sunshinelessness.

Where to start? Hmmmm. Well, I recently left Ft. Lewis and am now back in GA. I have not been booted out of the Army yet....not sure how, but hey, look at the other decisions that the Government makes. My kids have grown like weeds...they are now doing things like football, gymnastics, cheer leading.....it's crazy! The wife is getting more creative by the day, and feistier! Me? I'm just getting older and grumpier. I swear, sometimes when things come out of my mouth I look for a planted tape recorder from my Dad. WTF? When did I turn into him? Speaking of old.....I am still trying to keep up with the 20 something soldier......wrestling around on the mats.....now I'm walking like Mr. Roboto because I can't turn my neck. Great fun I assure you.

Older kids are great. Except they don't come w/a volume button. Or a pause button. Just think, if they had a pause button, they would NEVER have the chance to talk back! How awesome would that be? I'm finding that older girls come with boobs. Your kids are not supposed to have boobs. That is complete bull$#!%. They also come with lots of boo boo lips and tears and a range of emotions that explains why I never understood girls as a boy. I really don't understand them now, I've just figured out how to navigate in the sea of estrogen. It won't be long before I have THREE at one time to deal with. I'm so screwed. I've been avoiding the shrink, but it may no be possible for much longer. My only hope is my son will soon become a world class athlete or a doctor or something. Or maybe he will just set the school on fire, you know, anything that will project some testosterone up in the piece!

Has anyone ever seen Bill Cosby Himself? Remember when he talks about his wife's head splitting open and stuff? That is what I come home to most days because two out of my three kids are determined to not do homework! The oldest, knocks it out fast. The other two....fiddle fart around to do anything BUT homework! Somehow, they all have straight A's. I think this is impossible if they are my kids, so I am now having a paternity test done next week. The wife is the bomb for making them smart.....my contribution to school work "Hey, don't fail, people will think you're retarded or something."

Well, the boy is having a meltdown because one of the sisters is stealing his cereal. Gotta go.

Qualifications

OK, so you are new to a job. You have little to no experience or qualifications to do what you are doing and there are people subordinate to you that conduct business that you have had no experience in. You are not really sure how to direct them, but they have around 30 years experience doing what they do and have been promoted continually until they are at the top of the food chain for their department. They are highly competent and considered the best in the world at what they do.

So, and issue arises. Your very competent and experienced subordinates make a strong recommendation, in unison. The consequences of failure to properly address this issue is total failure. Again, you have no experience to pull from so you don't have the expertise to pull this off without a bit of help. What do you do?

You are smart, have gotten to where you are for a variety of reason, not all of them good. You make your decision. You have just told your top leaders to pound sand. What kind of sense does that make? You decide to listen to other leaders in your organization that are from a completely different department who are just as equally as unqualified as you are to make educated decisions in the affected area. Only there is one person who THINKS they know what they are talking about because they were married to a person who used to have your job, but he was just as unqualified as you in the affected area. And yes, he jacked it up too. Now picture there is a large group of people, employees if you will, who are voicing their opinion. Most of them, say 95% of them, have zero experience in the affected department either, but you begin to listen to them. It's kind of like the Indians are running the tribe when the tribe REALLY needs a Chief!!

But where is the Chief? He left the job and moved to a new location.

People, you should be careful what you ask for. Cuz now you got it!

Uh......yeah.

How many TV shows and movies can you watch in a year? I'm not real sure, but I'll let you know next August. So far I have watched all of season 1 of Sons Of Anarchy and have caught up on season 2, thanks to Hulu. I have completed seasons 1 and 2 of Californication, which I was surprised to find that I really liked that show! I have now started season one of Burn Notice......I can't remember all of the movies I have watched, but it's upwards of 15 I believe.

I won't even count all of the stupid videos that I have watched on youtube. Things like "Fry That Chicken" by Ms. Peachez, "Red House Furniture" commercial, "Cullman Liquidators" commercial, dudes jumping off roofs, crashing motorcycles, bicycles, and all sorts of other dumb stuff.

It's a good thing I am getting paid extra over here. Not so much for the danger this time, but for the rotting of the brain and having to return home stupider than when I left. Can I get disability for Service Induced Stupidity? I get dumber everyday that I am here.

JMP

Bored

I'm bored. I am in a desert and I am bored. I have spent most of today playing around on Youtube pulling up music videos. I've done maybe 20 minutes of real work. How do you combat boredom like that? Usually, I would just go PT, 1) It's Sunday, that is my no PT day. 2) I have spent the past week pooping my brains out, so I don't really feel like working out.

I could go pick up my laundry. But that would require that I walk through gravel, again. Gravel, gravel, gravel. If you have never been forced to walk on gravel and gravel only for a year, you just don't understand. I will have to walk across gravel to go get chow, I'll get my clothes then. Maybe.

Shooting people is not really an option either. We don't do that here anymore. The most entertaining thing this week was judging the violentness of my poos. Even that got old quick. I can see how house wives become alcoholics and addicted to pain pills. The place where I live is encircled by a 1.6 mile perimeter and no it's not a prison. Well, not a penal type prison anyway. I see the same dudes everyday. Same food, everyday. Same showers everyday. Same weather everyday. Same routine most everyday. Wake up, coffee, skype, PT, skype, chow, meeting, f-off in office, shower, f-off in office, eat, (nap if lucky), f-off in office, PT, meeting, chow, bed. The trips I do take seem to be more of a pain in the ass than anything else.

The skype piece is by far the best part of the day. I at least get to see my kids act like a bunch of ass clowns! They seem to be more interested in making faces at themselves on their computer screen than they are talking to me, but it's still fun.

I'm so used to being bored, that now I am bored writing this blog. Bored. Bored. Bored.

'Bout Time

Many people have been in my shorts to get me to blog again.....so, on the edge of another deployment....I'll give it a whirl.

I have nothing remarkable to waste valuable internet time with today....other than to say that saying goodbye this time is going to be much harder than ever, I'm still in denial.

We have had a great summer so far, a trip back home to the lake, seeing lots of old friends, enjoying some great weather in the Pac NW.....I'm even actually starting to like it here!

JMP

WTF???

Yesterday, this happened. I have no idea how the boy got the idea, or how he figured out how to make the heart lips purse handles into head straps, but he did. I really don't know what to say about this. The boy needs to start school so he can have some guy friends instead of having so much sister influence. Maybe I should take him to work with me everyday.

Dinner Conversation

Tonight at dinner, Mely the comedian was trying to make the whole family laughed. I was doing pretty good at not cracking a smile while he was singing "We will, we will, smell you!" Until he just blurted out "We will, BUTT CRACK!!!!" I about spit my coke out all over the table! Then he figured out that butt crack was funny and just kept saying "BUTT CRACK". It achieved the desired affect as the entire family rolled, including my father in law! I had no idea a two year old would know what a butt crack is!

Getting Excited

Today I moved into the commander's office, stood in front of the company at the battalion formation, and in general just ran the company! Pretty exciting I think! I am ready for the official change of command and I am truly looking forward to being in command. I have a feeling it is really going to be a fun and rewarding job and one of the best experiences of my life.

Also today, we presented the guidon to the outgoing commander, Matt Chancey. He really liked the way it was presented and got a little misty eyed. I am going to miss him because not only has he been a good man to work for, he has become a friend.

The Hiker

Last weekend I took the family for a short hike in the woods. I have to say I am proud of SJ! There was a tree that had recently blown over and made a great bridge across a creek, about 10 feet above the creek. She broke out her gymnastics skills and crossed over it! I didn't think she would do it, but she did! After that she was a log walking fool. Every log we walked past lying on the ground, she was walking down it!

The next task is to get her to rapel! I think she will do it. She is my adventurer of the bunch. The other two kids had a ball playing in the woods as well. Mely fell down a few times, but made it all better by tossing the culprit rock into a creek. Cool. Fletch gained a lot of confidence in her self by successfully crossing a creek on her own by jumping from rock to rock without getting wet! It was so cool. Mely was able to cross the creek, but he needed a bit of help. I thinkg the family is ready for a camping trip. Sweet!

Hanger Hooks

Tonight was a momentous occasion at my house. My son, in addition to learning that his penis is for peeing in the toilet, has learned that his pecker is GREAT for hanging stuff on. Like his sister's bracelet. Yes, there is a point in every Male's life when he attempts to hang stuff from his penis. For some of us, the attempts continue well into adulthood. Of course his mother screamed "Get that off of your wiener!!", which in little boy language means " I need to hang more stuff form my wiener and make sure Mommy sees it." The poor woman has no idea what she has started.

Three, Two, One, BLAST OFF!

OK, here are a few of the crazy things my kids have said over the last few days:

1) Mely's negative response to a question "No way so hey!" (No way, Jose was the intended phrase.)

2) Fletch: "Farting in five, four, three, two, one. RRRROOOOOOMMMMMP!" No, I did not teach her that, regardless of what you people think!

3) F: "Daddy kills the bad guys! He is a super hero because he has a gun and shoots them dead!!"
SJ: "Yeah, but Fletcher, the bad guys have guns too."
F: "Oh, I hope they don't ever shoot Daddy."
SJ: Deadpan as ever "Well, you never know."

4) After finding out from the informer (SJ) that Fletch hurt herself by jumping from one bed to the other (a BIG no no).
Me: "Fletch, why are you crying"
F: "Because I hurt myself."
Me: "How did you hurt yourself?"
F: " I was jumping"
Me: "Jumping on what?"
F: After a much needed "oh shit" pause to think "I was jumping side to side."
Me: "Side to side on what?"
F: Blank
Me: "Side to side on what Fletcher?"
F: More blankness and the beginings of the "I'm gonna get a spanking" look and the realization crying starts.
Me: Trying not to laugh "Fletcher, what where you jumping on to hurt yourself?"
Trish: snicker, snicker, snicker while she cooks supper.
F: The "Ah man, he knows!" look....."I WAS JUMPING ON THE BED!!!!!"

5) Mely while giving his song performance during family night: "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ahhh Bama! Doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo" (the rythym of Sweet Home Alabama guitar) then all a sudden does a stage dive head first into the floor. I mean a no holds barred no shit just jumped and dove into the floor! After he stands up, he giggles a little punch drunk giggle and says "I hurt myself!"

6) SJ: From the upstairs to the downstairs, "MAMA!!!! MELY KEEPS PUTTING HIS HANDS IN MY BOOTY CRACK!!!!"
F: "Yeah, and then he puts it in his mouth!!!"

7) Mel: "Daddy, where's your Jeep?"
Me: "It's in the shop."
Mel: "Oh. It went tits up."

Gas Breath, Sounding Country, & Command Burps

So, tonight SJ is off spending the night with a friend from school, so naturally Fletch has her very bestest friend, Sydney, over to spend the night. Fletch and Sydney are two peas in a pod. They both are SOOOOO excited to see each other, every day, all day, all the time. They both have the most blankly excited look, all the time and they both get the "computer is thinking hour glass" in their eyes when something does not compute. Sydney has been here for three hours, and the two have not shut up yet!

Being the cool Dad that I am, I put in the movie High School Musical 2 and made some popcorn. Being even super cool, I melted some butter to pour over the popcorn. Sydney asks Fletch "What is your Daddy putting on the popcorn?"
Fletch: "Daddy, what are you putting on the popcorn?"
Daddy: "Buuuutter"
Sydney: "Your Daddy sounds so country! Buuuuuuutter!"
Yeah, I just got called country by a 5 year old! Who 5 minutes later comes up to me and says "Mr. Phillips, I can burp on command." So I say, "Burp" and she does. Every time I say burp, she does. My mother, being on top of her game, looks at Sydney and says "You sound so country when you burp" Sydney replies "Yeah, but I'm only a little bit country." I am glad to see that my children are not the only ones that are absolutely crazy as hell!

So the girls have been watching the movie for about an hour, meanwhile I am having a scotch and water. I decided to go lay in the floor with the girls and finish the movie. As I curl up next to Fletch and give her a gentle kiss on the cheek, she says "Daddy, your breath smells like gas." So now I am upstairs on the computer. With a fresh drink of Gas. Just when I think it has to end.....

Oh, apparently Sydney got her hair cut today, two inches worth. She has told me five times. And her American Girl Doll is named Courtney. She has told me that ten times. Her sister, Avery, has a basketball game tomorrow. She told me that once. It's not that important. But she got two inches cut off of her hair.

The girl that SJ is spending the night with, she has two older sisters, and a little sister on the way. All three girls had spend the night company tonight, and Mommy is on bed rest. Daddy has volunteered for slumber party detail. Good man, that SFC Powers. I would have faked an overnight deployment to....Uzbekistan, Uganda, Atlanta, anywhere but there! Wow, four little girls, somebody needs to tell that dude how to hold his mouth just right! When I dropped off SJ, there was at least 10 girls in that house, and one little boy who was sitting on the couch watching TV. I have no idea who he was, probably some kid who just stopped by because his house was too quiet? Nobody would notice him there until the Hannah Montana program interrupted his Transformers shows. Oh, BTW, the SJ is spending the night across the street from the Gary's. That's right, the black girl I tried to dance with at the formal, yeah, small world.

Last but not least, Mely has a new word "God Dammit!" I can't believe his mother taught him that!

Too Much Christmas

The past few days of Christmas have been, well, eventful. We are on Christmas number 4 in three days, and we have one more to go! There is a direct correlation with the conduct of Christmas activities and the number of spankings that must be administered in order to maintain un-zoo like behavior! Example: This morning, out of the blue, Fletch just shoves Melson to the floor. Just because she can. "Flecth, why did you shove your brother down?" "Um, I...." tap dance, tap dance, tap dance ".....Mely was trying to leave the den, so I put my hand out to stop him, and...." SJ interjects with all the attitude of a 13 year old "Uh, no one told him to stay here!" "So, Fletch, you just shoved him down just to do it?" "Yeah" "OK, you know what you have coming" This time, she didn't even complain about it. She new she fucked up, hands down, done. Caught. Red handed. She took her lumps and moved out. Good girl. And, she behaved the rest of the day.

On the way from Opelika to Birmingham yesterday, both girls were acting like straight jackasses, all the way in the back of the van. After like, 50 warnings of physical action they continue. I told Trish, "Take down the tray to clear the Ass Beating Aisle!" (I kick it real in a Honda Odyssey, it has a fold down tray between the front seats. ) As Trish began clearing off the tray, our two rocket scientists in the back noticed all this motion going on and Mommy's uncontrollable laughter as I talk under my breath about how I'm going to break somebody down like a shotgun in a minute. They figure that ass beatings are imminent and immediately cease all activities and become the most quiet and model children ever. It saved them much physical pain and mental trauma. Smart girls.

Yesterday during lunch at my parents house, the girls start playing under the lunch table. This is an absolute no no. Of course there are grandparents and great grandparents present, so a little grace is given. Instead of the instant spanking, they get the "What are you thinking? What in the world makes you think you can crawl under the table?" To which my 87 year old grandmother, who would have hung me by my toes and skinned me alive for the same offense 30 years ago, replies jumping up and down in here seat "I know the answer, I know the answer! It's Christmas!!!" So, how do you not piss yourself laughing at her response and still scare the shit out of your kids? Professionalism. Years of police work and being in the Army. Everyone else at the table besides the girls, not so much. Even my beloved wife and partner in kid herding busted out laughing and spit out her soup on the table. Sometimes, I should just stay in bed.
However, I would not trade this insanity for anything else. I truly hate having to spank, but after the 50 warnings, you got to deliver.

Santa's Short Final And A Hot LZ

Last night after our return from the Christmas Eve service, we began our countdown sequence for Christmas Eve. We had already baked "Santa's" peanut butter cookies, with peanuts inside, so we headed into the dinner sequence and the feeding of the Reindeer. As I walked outside on the back porch to get more firewood I heard a deer run off. Perfect! Just before taking the kids out to put out the food, I let Jasmine out of the front door to do her doggie thing and what was standing there that did not run off? You got it, a deer. More perfect. So we are feeding the Reindeer and all is right with the Christmas world. Shortly after supper the kids went out onto the porch to see if they could spot the "red light in the sky". After they gave up, I stayed out just an extra minute and let out a "HO, HO, HO" under my breath. This stopped SJ in her tracks as she exclaimed "What was that? That was Daddy! WAIT! That was real quiet, if it was Daddy it would have been loud, THAT WAS SANTA!!!!!!" She then ran out to the porch to see what was up. I stood there for just a second, pointed to the sky and exclaimed "Oh no!!!!! What is that up in the sky, I think it's Santa!!!" The kids did not even look! They just let out the biggest "OH SHIT" scream and ran to their room and jumped in the bed! They would not stay up long enough to set out the cookies, milk, or do any of the other pre-bedtime stuff! I thought they were going to kill each other getting up the steps! SJ was shouting commands to Melson, "Hurry up, you! You are going to make Santa pass us up! Get in your bed, now!" Of course Mely has no clue why he is running his ass off, it's just loud and fun so he does it. Fletch had to stop three time to figure our what was going on and why she was running, but she had just as much fun screaming so she didn't care that she kept forgetting. I laughed for 30 minutes at the scene that has taken about 30 seconds to unfold. The last time I saw a crowd disperse like that was when I would roll up on a bunch of ghetto boys on a corner at 0100. Poof, gone. It was an effective way to clear the runway for Santa's final approach.

After Santa thought all of the kids were asleep, he began setting out presents. Then he hears two little girls laughing an carrying on as he is finishing up. So......he jingles his sleigh bells a few times and lets out a "HO, HO, HO" after eating his cookies and before making his exit. The following sound was the "Oh Shit" silence followed by the whisper yell "Get in the bed!!!" with scampering of little girl feet and the WUMP, WUMP of two little girls jumping into their beds! Of course this morning the first thing we heard was "I heard Santa! He jingled his bells and then said HO, HO, HO!!!!" Even thought Santa hit a hot LZ, he came out OK and Christmas is still intact. It was awesome.

The opening of the presents was a complete other affair that will have to wait until another blog. I'm still in shock from the event and am quite certain that I will have some form of PTSD from it!

Baby Got Back And A White Boy Got Ta Shout!

So, there I was. At the battalion formal last weekend when the dancing started. I decided it would be a good idea to go dance with Mrs. Tanisha Gary. Yeah, you read it right. Black girl, white guy. What the hell was I thinking? It was a "slow" dance and I could not keep up! Bump bump swish, bump bump swish. And I was just doing the white boy side to side shit. I was so at the prom and she was all soul train and shit. Being able to move like that, no wonder she has five kids! I'm an idiot, again. Will I ever learn? Probably not.

Moved in

We finally got mostly moved in! We even had company over last night! The tree is back up, the fire is lit (and it's real a real wood fireplace), steaks on the grill, cold beer in the fridge, and margaritas chillin' in the pitcher! Somebody give me an Old Milwaukee cause it doesn't get any better than this!

No more mold! We are so excited just to be out from under the mold factor that we could have moved into a GP medium tent and been better off! As is just so happens we are now in a house that is far above what Trish and I ever expected to live in until we retire! We are very happy here, and the children went completely ape when they saw the house today!

Since the children are now back home, I am sure that I will have plenty of great stories! Now that there are neighbors with children their age, the stories will now multiply!

Ranger Creed

Just thought I would post this for posterity.


Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor, and high esprit de corps of my Ranger Regiment.

Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea, or air, I accept the fact that as a Ranger my country expects me to move farther, faster and fight harder than any other soldier.

Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.

Gallantly will I show the world that I am a specially selected and well-trained soldier. My courtesy to superior officers, neatness of dress and care of equipment shall set the example for others to follow.

Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.

Rangers Lead The Way!

No Kids, Lots of Cookie Dough!`

Trish and I have our battalion formal tomorrow night, so my children are with my sister in Birmingham. YES!!!!!!!!!! Trish over counted and bought about 4 extra packs of cookie dough! Forget the sex in whatever part of the house we want, just give me some fresh cookies and uninterrupted sleep!!!!!!! Yeah baby!