Hanger Hooks

Tonight was a momentous occasion at my house. My son, in addition to learning that his penis is for peeing in the toilet, has learned that his pecker is GREAT for hanging stuff on. Like his sister's bracelet. Yes, there is a point in every Male's life when he attempts to hang stuff from his penis. For some of us, the attempts continue well into adulthood. Of course his mother screamed "Get that off of your wiener!!", which in little boy language means " I need to hang more stuff form my wiener and make sure Mommy sees it." The poor woman has no idea what she has started.

Three, Two, One, BLAST OFF!

OK, here are a few of the crazy things my kids have said over the last few days:

1) Mely's negative response to a question "No way so hey!" (No way, Jose was the intended phrase.)

2) Fletch: "Farting in five, four, three, two, one. RRRROOOOOOMMMMMP!" No, I did not teach her that, regardless of what you people think!

3) F: "Daddy kills the bad guys! He is a super hero because he has a gun and shoots them dead!!"
SJ: "Yeah, but Fletcher, the bad guys have guns too."
F: "Oh, I hope they don't ever shoot Daddy."
SJ: Deadpan as ever "Well, you never know."

4) After finding out from the informer (SJ) that Fletch hurt herself by jumping from one bed to the other (a BIG no no).
Me: "Fletch, why are you crying"
F: "Because I hurt myself."
Me: "How did you hurt yourself?"
F: " I was jumping"
Me: "Jumping on what?"
F: After a much needed "oh shit" pause to think "I was jumping side to side."
Me: "Side to side on what?"
F: Blank
Me: "Side to side on what Fletcher?"
F: More blankness and the beginings of the "I'm gonna get a spanking" look and the realization crying starts.
Me: Trying not to laugh "Fletcher, what where you jumping on to hurt yourself?"
Trish: snicker, snicker, snicker while she cooks supper.
F: The "Ah man, he knows!" look....."I WAS JUMPING ON THE BED!!!!!"

5) Mely while giving his song performance during family night: "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ahhh Bama! Doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo" (the rythym of Sweet Home Alabama guitar) then all a sudden does a stage dive head first into the floor. I mean a no holds barred no shit just jumped and dove into the floor! After he stands up, he giggles a little punch drunk giggle and says "I hurt myself!"

6) SJ: From the upstairs to the downstairs, "MAMA!!!! MELY KEEPS PUTTING HIS HANDS IN MY BOOTY CRACK!!!!"
F: "Yeah, and then he puts it in his mouth!!!"

7) Mel: "Daddy, where's your Jeep?"
Me: "It's in the shop."
Mel: "Oh. It went tits up."

Gas Breath, Sounding Country, & Command Burps

So, tonight SJ is off spending the night with a friend from school, so naturally Fletch has her very bestest friend, Sydney, over to spend the night. Fletch and Sydney are two peas in a pod. They both are SOOOOO excited to see each other, every day, all day, all the time. They both have the most blankly excited look, all the time and they both get the "computer is thinking hour glass" in their eyes when something does not compute. Sydney has been here for three hours, and the two have not shut up yet!

Being the cool Dad that I am, I put in the movie High School Musical 2 and made some popcorn. Being even super cool, I melted some butter to pour over the popcorn. Sydney asks Fletch "What is your Daddy putting on the popcorn?"
Fletch: "Daddy, what are you putting on the popcorn?"
Daddy: "Buuuutter"
Sydney: "Your Daddy sounds so country! Buuuuuuutter!"
Yeah, I just got called country by a 5 year old! Who 5 minutes later comes up to me and says "Mr. Phillips, I can burp on command." So I say, "Burp" and she does. Every time I say burp, she does. My mother, being on top of her game, looks at Sydney and says "You sound so country when you burp" Sydney replies "Yeah, but I'm only a little bit country." I am glad to see that my children are not the only ones that are absolutely crazy as hell!

So the girls have been watching the movie for about an hour, meanwhile I am having a scotch and water. I decided to go lay in the floor with the girls and finish the movie. As I curl up next to Fletch and give her a gentle kiss on the cheek, she says "Daddy, your breath smells like gas." So now I am upstairs on the computer. With a fresh drink of Gas. Just when I think it has to end.....

Oh, apparently Sydney got her hair cut today, two inches worth. She has told me five times. And her American Girl Doll is named Courtney. She has told me that ten times. Her sister, Avery, has a basketball game tomorrow. She told me that once. It's not that important. But she got two inches cut off of her hair.

The girl that SJ is spending the night with, she has two older sisters, and a little sister on the way. All three girls had spend the night company tonight, and Mommy is on bed rest. Daddy has volunteered for slumber party detail. Good man, that SFC Powers. I would have faked an overnight deployment to....Uzbekistan, Uganda, Atlanta, anywhere but there! Wow, four little girls, somebody needs to tell that dude how to hold his mouth just right! When I dropped off SJ, there was at least 10 girls in that house, and one little boy who was sitting on the couch watching TV. I have no idea who he was, probably some kid who just stopped by because his house was too quiet? Nobody would notice him there until the Hannah Montana program interrupted his Transformers shows. Oh, BTW, the SJ is spending the night across the street from the Gary's. That's right, the black girl I tried to dance with at the formal, yeah, small world.

Last but not least, Mely has a new word "God Dammit!" I can't believe his mother taught him that!