Speaking Too Soon

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ TO PREVIOUS BLOG POST, READ IT FIRST OR THIS ONE WILL NOT MAKE AS MUCH SENSE!!!!!!

Well, when I posted my last blog today, I apparently spoke too soon. If you remember the cob statement, well....I now have a corn cob in my ass! At least it's not sideways, yet.

So, after Trish got home and we unloaded all of the groceries that she brought home, it was time for dinner. After everyone had eaten and we are trying to have family conversation, it somehow seems to my children that it is time to climb all over Daddy and tell him of all his immediate faults. Such as "Daddy, your breath smells like old root beer!" It must have been the results of my two medicinal beers. Of course she does not leave the area in which I am breathing, but remains there. Only to tell me how bad my breath smells. Oh, by the way, she is only wearing panties, and the chicken soup and ham and cheese sandwich that she had for supper. Meanwhile, Mel is playing with his big truck toy. He is making his truck jump the Grand Canyon or something and needed to emphasise the landing by stomping on my big toe. Yes, of course, on my left foot. Now, I need a third medicinal beer. About two minutes later, Fletch is playing with this damn Dora The Explorer "sing along, learn to read and count" maraca while sitting back at her place at the table. In typical Fletcher fashion, she drops it. Right onto my big toe. At least this time, it's on my right foot. To hell with some beer, I'm moving on to scotch! Believe it or not, this maraca hurt twice as bad as Mely's stomp on the toe. I felt like a broken bitch. Mommies feel the pain of birth, Daddies feel the pain eternal.

And the hits just keep on comin'. So, I thought I would be the hero Dad and help Trish out by taking a bath with Mel. I make a big gigantic bubble bath for us to play in. All is well and Trish comes to check on her boys. Trish and I are talking about how great our kids are while Mel is playing in the bubbles with is HMMWV (HUM-V for you civilian types). Yes, I know, this is a STUPID maneuver seeing as how the rest of my day has been. Mel starts getting all Dukes Of Hazard with the toy HMMWV and just about smashes my "boys" with it. I look straight at Trish and say "Great. All I need at the end of a day like to day is a hummer to the balls!" Yeah, she laughed. Oh, it gets better. After the bath is over and I step out of the hot water, Trish looks at my junk and says "Man! They didn't hang like that when we first got married, that's cool!" Then she proceeds to bend over, making fists with both hands, and begins to mock the Rocky Balboa speed bag drill on my nuts. Badugada, badugada, badugada.........She actually said "Badugada, badugada, badugada" while she did it. I have no pride left. I'm just gonna have two scotches and go to bed.

RLTW, or do they?

Hard Landings and Milkyways

Sometimes things go smooth as silk, other times they are rough as a cob. Sometimes it feel like the cob is being inserted into your rectum. My day today was not that bad, but it did get a little shitty at the end. I woke up this morning just fine and went in to do my Sustained Airborne Training prior to today's jump. All goes well. We're all out to the Drop Zone and all is going well, but we are down to one helicopter instead of two, no big deal it will just take longer. Then the winds pick. Not bad, until one jackass somehow manages to get himself into the trees. With a steerable parachute. How the hell do you do that? Dude STEERED into the trees, on the back side of the drop zone, completely away from the drop zone. Thank goodness he was not hurt, he just had to play monkey and climb down 40 feet from the top of the tree. Then the next guy to win the even bigger jackass award lands on the roof of a barn in the middle of the DZ. C'mon! There is plenty of room on that DZ! He went through a tree and did an ass landing on the roof. I guess he is practicing for his Delta Force "roof down" assault. Dumb ass. He held up the whole jump operation for 20 minutes while people untangled his ass and chute from trees and barn. At least jackass #1 was kind enough to be off the DZ so we could continue! Then I jump, great exit, nice decent, then I lose air as I prepare to land, and hit like a sack of shit! Ouch! So now I have a left knee that is a bit sore, but I'm OK. Nothing a beer and some ibuprofen can't fix.

So, after my hard day at the office, I come home to an empty house minus the happy dog. She comes and jumps up and down to get my attention, so I pick her up and love on her a minute prior to taking her outside to do her bid-ness. She does and we come back inside. As I am preparing my medicinal beer, I see on the floor, near where she was jumping up and down, a smushed milkyway that my son must have gotten a hold off and just mashed it up. He does that sometimes. So, I pick it up, and all of a sudden the milkyway develops a distinct dog shit odor! FUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!! I JUST PICKED UP A DOG TURD!!!!! BAREHANDED! So after I clean up the "milkyway" I discover three "raisenettes" in the vicinity of where the "milkyway" was. Damn. Man, this just ain't my day. I'm having two beers. And I'm not eating anymore milkyways or raisenettes, ever.

Redemption

Yesterday I totally redeemed myself from the password journal by being the best Daddy ever. As the kids got home from drama practice and doing their usual 15 minute trip from the car to the house, Trish came in and gave me the heads up that SayJay was all upset because of the part assignments that were given out for the upcoming play. When Trish showed me the cast list, I stared at it in wonderment of how my daughter was selected to play 1) a dragon and 2) A knight! Never mind the question of how can you play a knight and a dragon? Would that mean that you would have to slay yourself? I digress. The real kick to the jimmies is that Fletch got assigned the part of the "Sweetest Princess". Ouch!!! Trish is begging me to figure out a way to soothe SayJay's feelings since she is so bummed about getting "boy" parts. I have no clue what to do and about 30 seconds to figure it out since Sir Dragon was on her way up the sidewalk. The only thing that popped into my head was that dragons could be female too and I would show her the movie Shrek to prove it. As she walked in the door, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I immediately made a really big deal of the fact that she was assigned TWO parts and that only the really super good actresses got assigned two parts! Her face beamed immediately and she was suddenly proud to be a dragon and a knight! DADDY ROCKS!!!!!!

Slay 'em up girl!!!!!!!!

RLTW

More death to the Password Journal

Yeah, I am making Phillips History tonight baby! Due to my skeewlz in computer technology, guess where I'm bloggin' from now? You got it, the Crapper dawgz!!!! Can't do that with a Password Journal! Now 'skewz me whilst I surf the net............

RLTW

The technological failures of Daddy

Today I achieved a computer/automation first. I properly installed a wireless connection in my home. I am now using the wireless laptop to write this blog. Then, after accomplishing such a fantastic feat such as this, my seven year old totally wrecks my newly earned self esteem by asking me to help her get started with her brand new password journal.

Today my 7 year old made her very first purchase all on her own with her own money. She has been wanting a password journal for about two years now. She finally saved enough money to go buy it. Trish and I took her to Wal-Mart (aka Hell) where she picked it out herself and carried it for the duration of the shopping trip. After much screaming from Mely and Fletch, Mely kicking Fletch in the eye, Mely pulling stuff from shelves and the usual Hell trip with three kids, we made it to the check out counter. SayJay purchased her journal seperate from the rest of the family's items and even pulled the money from her very own purse. I was so proud of her, she is such a big girl now. There were three ladies behind us in line who were looking on with big grins and just getting a kick out of this little girl who was acting so big. So we then went to the car and went home where I went to the bathroom to change into my superhero costume, Idiot Man, and I begin the journey with the little pink thing called a Password Journal.

I'm thinking, no issue, just put some batteries and away we go. While SayJay is washing her ass, I take the initiative to install the batteries so it will be set up for her to use as soon as she gets out, right. Hell naw! As soon as I put in the last battery, this damn thing starts talking to me and giving me more commands than a drill sergeant! In short, I fucked it all up and thing would not do anything that I wanted/needed it to do. Of course I'm now getting all pissed at this pink thing and here comes my daughter. Immediately she goes into hysterics because she KNOWS that I have just jacked up her new toy that she spent HER hard earned money on. Dude, I suck. I calm her down from her initial conniption fit long enough to get her to sit with me on the sofa with the instructions. Well, as luck would have it, we followed the instruction to a T. The password journal spoke to us and told us everything shy of "fuck off". I still suck. SayJay falls completely apart, can't eat dinner because she is so upset, Fletch just says with all the attitude she can muster "You will just have to deal with it!", Mely is banging away at the table with his fork tossing his chicken and rice all over the place, and Trish just puts her face in her hands and shakes her head. Yay Daddy!!!! After about 10 minutes of refusals to eat, crying, sobbing, and generally feeling sorry for ourselves, I took SayJay back into the den and we settled in my big chair to fix this journal from hell. After about 15 minutes of trying and retrying, we get it right! The password works, the alarm works, and the UV light that comes with the "Don't look at this light or you will go blind" warning works, so all is now good. After all of my humiliation and sacrifice, I have redeemed myself, for about 10 seconds. SayJay then begins dancing and shouting "I fixed it! I fixed it! I got it to work Mommy, look!" I suck again! So, I take my defeated chicken and rice covered self back upstairs and revel in the fact that I can now use a wireless internet connection 6 feet away from my desktop just because I can. Take that you evil password journal!

RLTW

Marine Wives, Dead People, and Taxes Vs. Texas

During our recent visit Trish and I experiences another "Christie Phenomenon". Which simply simply means that someone across the street from us died. Seriously, just died. Let me take you back to about FEB 07. Christie and her husband are living next door to Trish and I on Fort Benning, GA while attending a school there. Well, one evening they come banging on our door telling us to come watch the action across the street. After the MP's storm troop the house, well more like Key Stone Cop/Three Ring Circus the house, they discovered that some new 2LT had murdered his wife and killed himself. Very tragic incident indeed. Somehow I had a feeling Christie's presence was the "drama magnet". I had nothing to back that up, until last week. Trish and I checked in to our hotel after we arrived at Brian and Christie's, and no shit, ONE HOUR LATER some old dude takes the long nap right outside our balcony across the street. Paramedics and everything. The people that walked by were like "Dude, a dead guy. Cool, let's go surf." Trish and I just took pictures and critiqued their CPR. We're so going to hell. Especially if these paramedics are doing the CPR! So we called Christie on the phone and asked her WTF and how does she have the power to make people die so much. When she figured out I was serious, that there was for real a dead dude across the street she replied "OOOOO! OK, I'm almost there! I am around the corner!" At which time I heard tires squalling both over the phone and down the street. Girl meant she wasn't going to miss nothin'. So she makes it up there and goes bananas because she forgot her ever present camera, but she calmed down and enjoyed the show when she found out that Trish had already taken pictures. Three grown adults watching a poor dead dude being worked on like it was the first R rated movie we had ever seen.

I braved the elements and took my three kids to eat Chinese and then to Kohl's today. The conversation between my 7 and 4 year old girls was absolutely riveting. At about 1230 SayJay: "Wouldn't it be cool if we moved back to Fort Campbell, and I could see Mrs Barlow again?" Fletch: "Yeah, and you could see Caroline again too!" SayJay: "No, she moved to Texas." Now it's 1330 and the girls and I are in the car waiting on Trish and Mel to come out of the Chinese place while we are listening to the blues station on XM radio. The lyrics come across "........that's what I pay my taxes fo....." Fletch: " Taxes, what's a taxes?" SayJay: "No dummy, she moved to TEXAS, not TAXES!" Fletch: "Oh". Were the hell in SayJays mind she got that we were still talking about Caroline an hour later when nobody had even mentioned her name, I have no idea. And how Fletch accepted that answer without even saying "WTF?" to SayJay, I have no idea. See what I have to live with? But the good new is, is that I got some new shoes and a pair of workout pants out of the deal.

Later on in Target: SayJay to Trish while buying SayJay the pair of boots she had a flying shitfit over: "Mommy, you are so good at shopping for me! And Daddy, well he's good at....at.....at....KILLING!" Great. Now I'm the Great While Killer, in the middle of Target. At least we got quick check out service!

RLTW

Flying Boobies and SOCAL sun

My wife and I just returned from our 10 year anniversary trip to San Clemente, CA. We visited some Marine Corps friends of ours that we met while in Fort Benning, GA. We had an absolute blast! While we were there, Trish and I went skydiving! Hence the flying boobies!This was her first time jumping from an aircraft, and she did fantastic! She will now be the hero bad ass mommy of all the mommies in mommy group! I love my wifey!


Our friend Christie that we visited is always Mrs. Squared away. Never forgets a thing, never misses a single detail. Ever. Until now. She is pregnant, and like most expectant mommies, her baby is sucking her brain out through the umbilical cord. She drove us the airport this morning in San Diego. 7 years of police work, 6 years in the Army with two combat tours to Iraq did not prepare me for riding with a knocked up chick at 0530 in San Diego!!! She got lost, twice, drove the wrong way down a one way street, did five U-turns in the middle of major intersections, ran a couple of red lights, about killed a dude working in a man hole, and made me have to take a dump immediately upon entering the airport. Which did not work out so well since we were now running late and the security line was stretched all the way out to Mexico! Danged red heads! But poetic justice struck, she got lost 4 times on the way home!!! I love Christie like my own sister. She has always been super nice to me and my fam. I would give her the shirt off of my back, but riding in a car with her just plain scares the shit out of me!


So, on the plane ride home there is this little girl, who seemed to be about two. Screamed. The whole four hours. Mom, she just sat there. Really. Did absolutely nothing. I have never wanted to punch a kid before until today. I thought about throwing the kid out of the plane along with the mom and the other four kids she had! And then there was the lesbian couple that sat in front of Trish and I. Wonderful. It might would have been ok if they looked like the ones on TV, but not so much. One kind of looked like an even worse version of Cher and the other looked like she could have been some one's brother. I have never seen a worse figure on a girl, she even had plumber's crack! Of course she seems to think that girls really can wear a man's pants. Yes, she can, but they made her butt look like a band of gypsies moved out! Not so flattering on men, and even worse on a girl. I had nightmares last night because of this image. I thought that the point of being a lez-bean was that you liked girls. So why would you pick out a partner that looked like a man? I don't pretend to be smart enough to figure this stuff out, I'm kind of like Robot on Lost In Space, "It does not compute Will Robinson, does not compute!"

So we landed at ATL airport, on the Pilot's second attempt at landing. Yeah, he jacked up the first one. He must have been a Marine Pilot. I'm sorry, I mean a Naval Aviator. Trish and I are walking through the airport all happy and shit, I mean we are California happy, smiling, laughing, just having fun. People are looking at us like "What rawng wit dem? Dey dun loss dey fool ass mine!" or "OMGYG! Happy people! EWW!" most people just looked like someone had just killed their dog. Welcome home, bitches. We made it to the baggage claim and then to our car in record time. Then, we hit ATL traffic. Someone just killed my dog. If God sends me to hell, I'm pretty sure it will just be to ATL everyday during rush hour. The only thing worse would be ATL rush hour while riding with Christie!!

RLTW