It runs in the family

Readers, (all three of you)


The last nine days we have been without Internet connectivity! I have forgotten more blog material than Carter's got little liver pills.

Just for the record, screw Windstream and Dahlonega. What I really think happened is the squirrel on the treadmill they use to power their server had to have his annual vacation. Assholes. I gots bills to pay and shit! Howmy gwanna gits my shit ifs I don't got no inta net?

So, more crazy stuff has happened in the last nine days. I'll fill you in. One Saturday evening my sister Beth was here. So we decided we would go downtown and look around and have dinner at a local Italian place. (Pro-nounced: eye-tal-yon). All was good as I was walking downtown with Mel and Fletch waiting on Beth and Trish to show up. Mel, Fletch, and I were looking at all of the fall displays and a couple of forty pound pumpkins, it really was pretty neat. Well, we see Beth and Trish ride by so we take off for the restaurant. Fletch gets all excited and twirls around in a circle, ending her death spin with a solid, square, earth shattering full fist shot to the cods. OUCH!!!!!!!! Involuntarily, I screamed. And doubled over. Fletch immediately starts apologizing. That's sweet, but you just cracked my nuts, again. People are staring. It was a bit embarrassing. After I gain my composure and start to walk off, a lady with her kids stops me and asks "Sir, are you OK?" "Yes ma'am. My daughter just has impeccable aim." "Oh. I'm sorry!" I felt like an ass.

So, we get to the restaurant and we are still waiting on Beth and Trish. Fletch decides to show me the shorts under her skirt. So she rips all of the snaps open and says "Look Daddy! It's really shorts under here, not my panties!" I'm going home now, and these are not my kids. I swear they are my sisters, she'll be here in a minute.

Seriously?! A nut punch and strip tease within a 15 minute window! I guess all the girls in my house think my junk is a punching bag. It runs in the family I guess.

Speaking Too Soon

STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ TO PREVIOUS BLOG POST, READ IT FIRST OR THIS ONE WILL NOT MAKE AS MUCH SENSE!!!!!!

Well, when I posted my last blog today, I apparently spoke too soon. If you remember the cob statement, well....I now have a corn cob in my ass! At least it's not sideways, yet.

So, after Trish got home and we unloaded all of the groceries that she brought home, it was time for dinner. After everyone had eaten and we are trying to have family conversation, it somehow seems to my children that it is time to climb all over Daddy and tell him of all his immediate faults. Such as "Daddy, your breath smells like old root beer!" It must have been the results of my two medicinal beers. Of course she does not leave the area in which I am breathing, but remains there. Only to tell me how bad my breath smells. Oh, by the way, she is only wearing panties, and the chicken soup and ham and cheese sandwich that she had for supper. Meanwhile, Mel is playing with his big truck toy. He is making his truck jump the Grand Canyon or something and needed to emphasise the landing by stomping on my big toe. Yes, of course, on my left foot. Now, I need a third medicinal beer. About two minutes later, Fletch is playing with this damn Dora The Explorer "sing along, learn to read and count" maraca while sitting back at her place at the table. In typical Fletcher fashion, she drops it. Right onto my big toe. At least this time, it's on my right foot. To hell with some beer, I'm moving on to scotch! Believe it or not, this maraca hurt twice as bad as Mely's stomp on the toe. I felt like a broken bitch. Mommies feel the pain of birth, Daddies feel the pain eternal.

And the hits just keep on comin'. So, I thought I would be the hero Dad and help Trish out by taking a bath with Mel. I make a big gigantic bubble bath for us to play in. All is well and Trish comes to check on her boys. Trish and I are talking about how great our kids are while Mel is playing in the bubbles with is HMMWV (HUM-V for you civilian types). Yes, I know, this is a STUPID maneuver seeing as how the rest of my day has been. Mel starts getting all Dukes Of Hazard with the toy HMMWV and just about smashes my "boys" with it. I look straight at Trish and say "Great. All I need at the end of a day like to day is a hummer to the balls!" Yeah, she laughed. Oh, it gets better. After the bath is over and I step out of the hot water, Trish looks at my junk and says "Man! They didn't hang like that when we first got married, that's cool!" Then she proceeds to bend over, making fists with both hands, and begins to mock the Rocky Balboa speed bag drill on my nuts. Badugada, badugada, badugada.........She actually said "Badugada, badugada, badugada" while she did it. I have no pride left. I'm just gonna have two scotches and go to bed.

RLTW, or do they?