Swirling

Ever feel like you are spinning out of control? Spiraling downwards. No hand rails, no safety net, just down you go. Have you ever felt like you are in an empty black room that just echoes? No doors or windows, just maybe some cracks to let enough light in to see just a little bit. Do those walls seems to creep in little by little? All of a sudden does the landscape change to a large open area, like a dessert, where you are the only person? Nothing. No wind, not real hot, not cold. Just there. The only way to get anywhere is to walk, but which way do you go? Which way did you come from? There are no terrain features to navigate to or from. Just desert. No water, no help.

Does the sight of the people you love make you sick? Physically sick? Do they make you feel cornered? Ganged up on? Are you the bad guy, all the time? Do you distrust those that should be there to help? Who is on my team? Who is very much opposed to my team? Who is neither for nor against and how do they differ from opposed?






Why is help so hard to get? Why do I have to jump through hoops? Why are there strict rules for where you can get help only for certain things?






Can one get help to fix these things? Why is it when one needs to see fronts, all they see are turned backs?

END THE LONELINESS AND PAIN. 

Piss and Vinegar

One of my favorite movie quotes is from No Country For Old Men. It is at the scene where a car is on fire, the Sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones) describes how he sees the entire crime scene from start to finish, just by looking at the car...and he is 100% right. His young deputy tells him "Well, that's very linear Sheriff." His simple reply "Time has a way of flattening a man." Yes, yes it does.

I know what the Sheriff was feeling....he knew what had happened and he also understood the implications of what was to come. Being at the end of his career, after more than 30 years on the job, he was tired. No need for needless conversation or to contemplate stuff that just didn't happen. Focus on what lies ahead.

What are the impacts of living such a life? For me, not good. It has gotten pretty flat around my house. The wife and I live in separate parts of the house and speak only out of necessity really. Not sure how much longer she will hang around, and honestly, I can't really blame her for leaving. It is a mother fucker of a thing to live with.

Word to all those that have served through the thick of things a few years back and have held it together. Double word to those that have not so able to hold it together. Keep after it, don't quit, we need you. Hell, I need you....because I want to quit....and if you quit, I can't quit, because I'll have to carry your rucksack, and that is some bullshit!

It all sort of takes the piss and vinegar out of a man after a while.

Peace