Swirling

Ever feel like you are spinning out of control? Spiraling downwards. No hand rails, no safety net, just down you go. Have you ever felt like you are in an empty black room that just echoes? No doors or windows, just maybe some cracks to let enough light in to see just a little bit. Do those walls seems to creep in little by little? All of a sudden does the landscape change to a large open area, like a dessert, where you are the only person? Nothing. No wind, not real hot, not cold. Just there. The only way to get anywhere is to walk, but which way do you go? Which way did you come from? There are no terrain features to navigate to or from. Just desert. No water, no help.

Does the sight of the people you love make you sick? Physically sick? Do they make you feel cornered? Ganged up on? Are you the bad guy, all the time? Do you distrust those that should be there to help? Who is on my team? Who is very much opposed to my team? Who is neither for nor against and how do they differ from opposed?






Why is help so hard to get? Why do I have to jump through hoops? Why are there strict rules for where you can get help only for certain things?






Can one get help to fix these things? Why is it when one needs to see fronts, all they see are turned backs?

END THE LONELINESS AND PAIN. 

Piss and Vinegar

One of my favorite movie quotes is from No Country For Old Men. It is at the scene where a car is on fire, the Sheriff (Tommy Lee Jones) describes how he sees the entire crime scene from start to finish, just by looking at the car...and he is 100% right. His young deputy tells him "Well, that's very linear Sheriff." His simple reply "Time has a way of flattening a man." Yes, yes it does.

I know what the Sheriff was feeling....he knew what had happened and he also understood the implications of what was to come. Being at the end of his career, after more than 30 years on the job, he was tired. No need for needless conversation or to contemplate stuff that just didn't happen. Focus on what lies ahead.

What are the impacts of living such a life? For me, not good. It has gotten pretty flat around my house. The wife and I live in separate parts of the house and speak only out of necessity really. Not sure how much longer she will hang around, and honestly, I can't really blame her for leaving. It is a mother fucker of a thing to live with.

Word to all those that have served through the thick of things a few years back and have held it together. Double word to those that have not so able to hold it together. Keep after it, don't quit, we need you. Hell, I need you....because I want to quit....and if you quit, I can't quit, because I'll have to carry your rucksack, and that is some bullshit!

It all sort of takes the piss and vinegar out of a man after a while.

Peace

Uh, So.......

Well, it have been forever since I have posted anything. I'm probably not going to tell anyone that I have even started posting again. Don't know why though.

So. I live out in the country now.....BACK IN THE SOUTHEAST BABY! I miss the PACNW, but not the cold gray sunshinelessness.

Where to start? Hmmmm. Well, I recently left Ft. Lewis and am now back in GA. I have not been booted out of the Army yet....not sure how, but hey, look at the other decisions that the Government makes. My kids have grown like weeds...they are now doing things like football, gymnastics, cheer leading.....it's crazy! The wife is getting more creative by the day, and feistier! Me? I'm just getting older and grumpier. I swear, sometimes when things come out of my mouth I look for a planted tape recorder from my Dad. WTF? When did I turn into him? Speaking of old.....I am still trying to keep up with the 20 something soldier......wrestling around on the mats.....now I'm walking like Mr. Roboto because I can't turn my neck. Great fun I assure you.

Older kids are great. Except they don't come w/a volume button. Or a pause button. Just think, if they had a pause button, they would NEVER have the chance to talk back! How awesome would that be? I'm finding that older girls come with boobs. Your kids are not supposed to have boobs. That is complete bull$#!%. They also come with lots of boo boo lips and tears and a range of emotions that explains why I never understood girls as a boy. I really don't understand them now, I've just figured out how to navigate in the sea of estrogen. It won't be long before I have THREE at one time to deal with. I'm so screwed. I've been avoiding the shrink, but it may no be possible for much longer. My only hope is my son will soon become a world class athlete or a doctor or something. Or maybe he will just set the school on fire, you know, anything that will project some testosterone up in the piece!

Has anyone ever seen Bill Cosby Himself? Remember when he talks about his wife's head splitting open and stuff? That is what I come home to most days because two out of my three kids are determined to not do homework! The oldest, knocks it out fast. The other two....fiddle fart around to do anything BUT homework! Somehow, they all have straight A's. I think this is impossible if they are my kids, so I am now having a paternity test done next week. The wife is the bomb for making them smart.....my contribution to school work "Hey, don't fail, people will think you're retarded or something."

Well, the boy is having a meltdown because one of the sisters is stealing his cereal. Gotta go.

Qualifications

OK, so you are new to a job. You have little to no experience or qualifications to do what you are doing and there are people subordinate to you that conduct business that you have had no experience in. You are not really sure how to direct them, but they have around 30 years experience doing what they do and have been promoted continually until they are at the top of the food chain for their department. They are highly competent and considered the best in the world at what they do.

So, and issue arises. Your very competent and experienced subordinates make a strong recommendation, in unison. The consequences of failure to properly address this issue is total failure. Again, you have no experience to pull from so you don't have the expertise to pull this off without a bit of help. What do you do?

You are smart, have gotten to where you are for a variety of reason, not all of them good. You make your decision. You have just told your top leaders to pound sand. What kind of sense does that make? You decide to listen to other leaders in your organization that are from a completely different department who are just as equally as unqualified as you are to make educated decisions in the affected area. Only there is one person who THINKS they know what they are talking about because they were married to a person who used to have your job, but he was just as unqualified as you in the affected area. And yes, he jacked it up too. Now picture there is a large group of people, employees if you will, who are voicing their opinion. Most of them, say 95% of them, have zero experience in the affected department either, but you begin to listen to them. It's kind of like the Indians are running the tribe when the tribe REALLY needs a Chief!!

But where is the Chief? He left the job and moved to a new location.

People, you should be careful what you ask for. Cuz now you got it!

Uh......yeah.

How many TV shows and movies can you watch in a year? I'm not real sure, but I'll let you know next August. So far I have watched all of season 1 of Sons Of Anarchy and have caught up on season 2, thanks to Hulu. I have completed seasons 1 and 2 of Californication, which I was surprised to find that I really liked that show! I have now started season one of Burn Notice......I can't remember all of the movies I have watched, but it's upwards of 15 I believe.

I won't even count all of the stupid videos that I have watched on youtube. Things like "Fry That Chicken" by Ms. Peachez, "Red House Furniture" commercial, "Cullman Liquidators" commercial, dudes jumping off roofs, crashing motorcycles, bicycles, and all sorts of other dumb stuff.

It's a good thing I am getting paid extra over here. Not so much for the danger this time, but for the rotting of the brain and having to return home stupider than when I left. Can I get disability for Service Induced Stupidity? I get dumber everyday that I am here.

JMP

Bored

I'm bored. I am in a desert and I am bored. I have spent most of today playing around on Youtube pulling up music videos. I've done maybe 20 minutes of real work. How do you combat boredom like that? Usually, I would just go PT, 1) It's Sunday, that is my no PT day. 2) I have spent the past week pooping my brains out, so I don't really feel like working out.

I could go pick up my laundry. But that would require that I walk through gravel, again. Gravel, gravel, gravel. If you have never been forced to walk on gravel and gravel only for a year, you just don't understand. I will have to walk across gravel to go get chow, I'll get my clothes then. Maybe.

Shooting people is not really an option either. We don't do that here anymore. The most entertaining thing this week was judging the violentness of my poos. Even that got old quick. I can see how house wives become alcoholics and addicted to pain pills. The place where I live is encircled by a 1.6 mile perimeter and no it's not a prison. Well, not a penal type prison anyway. I see the same dudes everyday. Same food, everyday. Same showers everyday. Same weather everyday. Same routine most everyday. Wake up, coffee, skype, PT, skype, chow, meeting, f-off in office, shower, f-off in office, eat, (nap if lucky), f-off in office, PT, meeting, chow, bed. The trips I do take seem to be more of a pain in the ass than anything else.

The skype piece is by far the best part of the day. I at least get to see my kids act like a bunch of ass clowns! They seem to be more interested in making faces at themselves on their computer screen than they are talking to me, but it's still fun.

I'm so used to being bored, that now I am bored writing this blog. Bored. Bored. Bored.

'Bout Time

Many people have been in my shorts to get me to blog again.....so, on the edge of another deployment....I'll give it a whirl.

I have nothing remarkable to waste valuable internet time with today....other than to say that saying goodbye this time is going to be much harder than ever, I'm still in denial.

We have had a great summer so far, a trip back home to the lake, seeing lots of old friends, enjoying some great weather in the Pac NW.....I'm even actually starting to like it here!

JMP