Hanger Hooks

Tonight was a momentous occasion at my house. My son, in addition to learning that his penis is for peeing in the toilet, has learned that his pecker is GREAT for hanging stuff on. Like his sister's bracelet. Yes, there is a point in every Male's life when he attempts to hang stuff from his penis. For some of us, the attempts continue well into adulthood. Of course his mother screamed "Get that off of your wiener!!", which in little boy language means " I need to hang more stuff form my wiener and make sure Mommy sees it." The poor woman has no idea what she has started.

Three, Two, One, BLAST OFF!

OK, here are a few of the crazy things my kids have said over the last few days:

1) Mely's negative response to a question "No way so hey!" (No way, Jose was the intended phrase.)

2) Fletch: "Farting in five, four, three, two, one. RRRROOOOOOMMMMMP!" No, I did not teach her that, regardless of what you people think!

3) F: "Daddy kills the bad guys! He is a super hero because he has a gun and shoots them dead!!"
SJ: "Yeah, but Fletcher, the bad guys have guns too."
F: "Oh, I hope they don't ever shoot Daddy."
SJ: Deadpan as ever "Well, you never know."

4) After finding out from the informer (SJ) that Fletch hurt herself by jumping from one bed to the other (a BIG no no).
Me: "Fletch, why are you crying"
F: "Because I hurt myself."
Me: "How did you hurt yourself?"
F: " I was jumping"
Me: "Jumping on what?"
F: After a much needed "oh shit" pause to think "I was jumping side to side."
Me: "Side to side on what?"
F: Blank
Me: "Side to side on what Fletcher?"
F: More blankness and the beginings of the "I'm gonna get a spanking" look and the realization crying starts.
Me: Trying not to laugh "Fletcher, what where you jumping on to hurt yourself?"
Trish: snicker, snicker, snicker while she cooks supper.
F: The "Ah man, he knows!" look....."I WAS JUMPING ON THE BED!!!!!"

5) Mely while giving his song performance during family night: "Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ahhh Bama! Doodoo doodoo doodoo doodoo" (the rythym of Sweet Home Alabama guitar) then all a sudden does a stage dive head first into the floor. I mean a no holds barred no shit just jumped and dove into the floor! After he stands up, he giggles a little punch drunk giggle and says "I hurt myself!"

6) SJ: From the upstairs to the downstairs, "MAMA!!!! MELY KEEPS PUTTING HIS HANDS IN MY BOOTY CRACK!!!!"
F: "Yeah, and then he puts it in his mouth!!!"

7) Mel: "Daddy, where's your Jeep?"
Me: "It's in the shop."
Mel: "Oh. It went tits up."

Gas Breath, Sounding Country, & Command Burps

So, tonight SJ is off spending the night with a friend from school, so naturally Fletch has her very bestest friend, Sydney, over to spend the night. Fletch and Sydney are two peas in a pod. They both are SOOOOO excited to see each other, every day, all day, all the time. They both have the most blankly excited look, all the time and they both get the "computer is thinking hour glass" in their eyes when something does not compute. Sydney has been here for three hours, and the two have not shut up yet!

Being the cool Dad that I am, I put in the movie High School Musical 2 and made some popcorn. Being even super cool, I melted some butter to pour over the popcorn. Sydney asks Fletch "What is your Daddy putting on the popcorn?"
Fletch: "Daddy, what are you putting on the popcorn?"
Daddy: "Buuuutter"
Sydney: "Your Daddy sounds so country! Buuuuuuutter!"
Yeah, I just got called country by a 5 year old! Who 5 minutes later comes up to me and says "Mr. Phillips, I can burp on command." So I say, "Burp" and she does. Every time I say burp, she does. My mother, being on top of her game, looks at Sydney and says "You sound so country when you burp" Sydney replies "Yeah, but I'm only a little bit country." I am glad to see that my children are not the only ones that are absolutely crazy as hell!

So the girls have been watching the movie for about an hour, meanwhile I am having a scotch and water. I decided to go lay in the floor with the girls and finish the movie. As I curl up next to Fletch and give her a gentle kiss on the cheek, she says "Daddy, your breath smells like gas." So now I am upstairs on the computer. With a fresh drink of Gas. Just when I think it has to end.....

Oh, apparently Sydney got her hair cut today, two inches worth. She has told me five times. And her American Girl Doll is named Courtney. She has told me that ten times. Her sister, Avery, has a basketball game tomorrow. She told me that once. It's not that important. But she got two inches cut off of her hair.

The girl that SJ is spending the night with, she has two older sisters, and a little sister on the way. All three girls had spend the night company tonight, and Mommy is on bed rest. Daddy has volunteered for slumber party detail. Good man, that SFC Powers. I would have faked an overnight deployment to....Uzbekistan, Uganda, Atlanta, anywhere but there! Wow, four little girls, somebody needs to tell that dude how to hold his mouth just right! When I dropped off SJ, there was at least 10 girls in that house, and one little boy who was sitting on the couch watching TV. I have no idea who he was, probably some kid who just stopped by because his house was too quiet? Nobody would notice him there until the Hannah Montana program interrupted his Transformers shows. Oh, BTW, the SJ is spending the night across the street from the Gary's. That's right, the black girl I tried to dance with at the formal, yeah, small world.

Last but not least, Mely has a new word "God Dammit!" I can't believe his mother taught him that!

Too Much Christmas

The past few days of Christmas have been, well, eventful. We are on Christmas number 4 in three days, and we have one more to go! There is a direct correlation with the conduct of Christmas activities and the number of spankings that must be administered in order to maintain un-zoo like behavior! Example: This morning, out of the blue, Fletch just shoves Melson to the floor. Just because she can. "Flecth, why did you shove your brother down?" "Um, I...." tap dance, tap dance, tap dance ".....Mely was trying to leave the den, so I put my hand out to stop him, and...." SJ interjects with all the attitude of a 13 year old "Uh, no one told him to stay here!" "So, Fletch, you just shoved him down just to do it?" "Yeah" "OK, you know what you have coming" This time, she didn't even complain about it. She new she fucked up, hands down, done. Caught. Red handed. She took her lumps and moved out. Good girl. And, she behaved the rest of the day.

On the way from Opelika to Birmingham yesterday, both girls were acting like straight jackasses, all the way in the back of the van. After like, 50 warnings of physical action they continue. I told Trish, "Take down the tray to clear the Ass Beating Aisle!" (I kick it real in a Honda Odyssey, it has a fold down tray between the front seats. ) As Trish began clearing off the tray, our two rocket scientists in the back noticed all this motion going on and Mommy's uncontrollable laughter as I talk under my breath about how I'm going to break somebody down like a shotgun in a minute. They figure that ass beatings are imminent and immediately cease all activities and become the most quiet and model children ever. It saved them much physical pain and mental trauma. Smart girls.

Yesterday during lunch at my parents house, the girls start playing under the lunch table. This is an absolute no no. Of course there are grandparents and great grandparents present, so a little grace is given. Instead of the instant spanking, they get the "What are you thinking? What in the world makes you think you can crawl under the table?" To which my 87 year old grandmother, who would have hung me by my toes and skinned me alive for the same offense 30 years ago, replies jumping up and down in here seat "I know the answer, I know the answer! It's Christmas!!!" So, how do you not piss yourself laughing at her response and still scare the shit out of your kids? Professionalism. Years of police work and being in the Army. Everyone else at the table besides the girls, not so much. Even my beloved wife and partner in kid herding busted out laughing and spit out her soup on the table. Sometimes, I should just stay in bed.
However, I would not trade this insanity for anything else. I truly hate having to spank, but after the 50 warnings, you got to deliver.

Santa's Short Final And A Hot LZ

Last night after our return from the Christmas Eve service, we began our countdown sequence for Christmas Eve. We had already baked "Santa's" peanut butter cookies, with peanuts inside, so we headed into the dinner sequence and the feeding of the Reindeer. As I walked outside on the back porch to get more firewood I heard a deer run off. Perfect! Just before taking the kids out to put out the food, I let Jasmine out of the front door to do her doggie thing and what was standing there that did not run off? You got it, a deer. More perfect. So we are feeding the Reindeer and all is right with the Christmas world. Shortly after supper the kids went out onto the porch to see if they could spot the "red light in the sky". After they gave up, I stayed out just an extra minute and let out a "HO, HO, HO" under my breath. This stopped SJ in her tracks as she exclaimed "What was that? That was Daddy! WAIT! That was real quiet, if it was Daddy it would have been loud, THAT WAS SANTA!!!!!!" She then ran out to the porch to see what was up. I stood there for just a second, pointed to the sky and exclaimed "Oh no!!!!! What is that up in the sky, I think it's Santa!!!" The kids did not even look! They just let out the biggest "OH SHIT" scream and ran to their room and jumped in the bed! They would not stay up long enough to set out the cookies, milk, or do any of the other pre-bedtime stuff! I thought they were going to kill each other getting up the steps! SJ was shouting commands to Melson, "Hurry up, you! You are going to make Santa pass us up! Get in your bed, now!" Of course Mely has no clue why he is running his ass off, it's just loud and fun so he does it. Fletch had to stop three time to figure our what was going on and why she was running, but she had just as much fun screaming so she didn't care that she kept forgetting. I laughed for 30 minutes at the scene that has taken about 30 seconds to unfold. The last time I saw a crowd disperse like that was when I would roll up on a bunch of ghetto boys on a corner at 0100. Poof, gone. It was an effective way to clear the runway for Santa's final approach.

After Santa thought all of the kids were asleep, he began setting out presents. Then he hears two little girls laughing an carrying on as he is finishing up. So......he jingles his sleigh bells a few times and lets out a "HO, HO, HO" after eating his cookies and before making his exit. The following sound was the "Oh Shit" silence followed by the whisper yell "Get in the bed!!!" with scampering of little girl feet and the WUMP, WUMP of two little girls jumping into their beds! Of course this morning the first thing we heard was "I heard Santa! He jingled his bells and then said HO, HO, HO!!!!" Even thought Santa hit a hot LZ, he came out OK and Christmas is still intact. It was awesome.

The opening of the presents was a complete other affair that will have to wait until another blog. I'm still in shock from the event and am quite certain that I will have some form of PTSD from it!

Baby Got Back And A White Boy Got Ta Shout!

So, there I was. At the battalion formal last weekend when the dancing started. I decided it would be a good idea to go dance with Mrs. Tanisha Gary. Yeah, you read it right. Black girl, white guy. What the hell was I thinking? It was a "slow" dance and I could not keep up! Bump bump swish, bump bump swish. And I was just doing the white boy side to side shit. I was so at the prom and she was all soul train and shit. Being able to move like that, no wonder she has five kids! I'm an idiot, again. Will I ever learn? Probably not.

Moved in

We finally got mostly moved in! We even had company over last night! The tree is back up, the fire is lit (and it's real a real wood fireplace), steaks on the grill, cold beer in the fridge, and margaritas chillin' in the pitcher! Somebody give me an Old Milwaukee cause it doesn't get any better than this!

No more mold! We are so excited just to be out from under the mold factor that we could have moved into a GP medium tent and been better off! As is just so happens we are now in a house that is far above what Trish and I ever expected to live in until we retire! We are very happy here, and the children went completely ape when they saw the house today!

Since the children are now back home, I am sure that I will have plenty of great stories! Now that there are neighbors with children their age, the stories will now multiply!